i'll be turning 25 in a month.
just the other day, i found myself in a video where someone said as you get older, you realise you are not that smart, you are not as mature and as perfect as you think and then you realise that's the same age your parents became parents so when you reflect on your childhood its important to put that lens on.
the lens where you see your parents as random 24 yo trying to deal with their life problems, their dreams, their struggles and life. it took me a while to reflect on that.
my parents got married when my dad was 22 and he had to take care of not one but two families. he was the sole earner in 2 families and a total of more than 10 people dependent on what he does with his life. i can't really imagine how that 24 year old felt about his life.
did he have the same dreams as me?
did he want to do things differently?
did he wish he had fewer responsibilities?
did he want to live his life more?
my mom was 18 when she got married and what's 18? 18 is when you pass 12th std? what did i know when i passed 12th std? pair it up with they moved to cities from a village. was it daunting for them? did she even realise that she had a life of her own and she was not j supposed to be a mother and a wife? i don't think she did. i also wondered if
she wanted to focus on her academics? she used to love studying but she kinda left it after she got married. who taught her that sacrifice is the primary love language? what would she think at 24 trying to figure out life with a husband and dealing complex relationships at that age? did she have any hobbies? what did she like to do?
"like"
"like to do" is such a privileged phase. what do you like to eat? where do you like to travel? which brand do you like? all of those questions have an underlying assumption that you can afford to like things beyond what's important for survival.
as i find myself spending money on things and experiences i like, i seem to ask that question more. i have grown up in a family where food was just food? it was not an experience. there weren't any cuisines. i'm not complaining as there was always food on table and never did i ever think if the next meal will be there or not.
i did take it for granted and then i'm in a cafe right now and if i take a step outside, i see kids trying to sell flowers and i wonder if they have the same privilege. do they wonder if they are gonna have a meal for dinner?
wait i'm going away from the point. the point being people are just people. no matter what relations you have with them.
your driver who was late today, maybe he was fixing a kitchen sink whose water was overflowing in their kitchen.
the person who texted me today what if he was lonely and j wanted someone to talk to.
your parents who were a bit angry today for no reason, what if they reflected back on their life yesterday and realised that life has passed and they weren't able to do things that they wanted?
i understand its not my responsibility and its unfair to expect myself to be perfect every moment and really think about other people all the time but maybe for some time is okay? i think the world becomes a much better place with some more forgiving and some less judgement.
turning 25 feels like a milestone and i don't really know what i'm supposed to do in my life and maybe that's the point. like i'm creating content for the past 35 days and posting every single day. i'm working as a founding engineer at a startup. i'm trying to get fitter. maybe that's enough. maybe its not but what good does it do to me to think that?
just yesterday when i was done with my office work and i had no plans, my mind tried to question wtf am i doing with my life? am i not supposed to have it all figured it out by now? people on the internet seem to. why not me? and i panicked.
i started thinking about the things i could do right now.
when you grow up as a kid whose worth is tied to their achievements, you want to solve problems. you want to do things. while that's great for your career, its terrible for you because some things don't require doing. some things require sitting down w them and feeling them.
the fealing of uneasiness, the feeling of confused, the feeling of anxiety because when you can sit with it and look deeply into what it is: just a feeling, it takes away the power from that feeling to force you to do things which may not be good for you.
it took me a long time to realise this? the moment i would feel unrest, i would change things. i would turn my life upside down because stillness was difficult, moving felt like i was in control and i always want to be in control but maybe you and i should let life take its course sometimes.
but this isn't for people who usually go with the flow about their decisions in life. you need to take more control. balance, remember?
balance is also such a weird thing because its so subjective.
a balance for athlete could be training for 6 hours and sleeping for the next 10 while for someone like my friend Bande who is an investment banker, balance would be to work for 12 hours a day, maybe get in a gym session, get an hour of ps5 and some sleep. so when people tell me that i need to have a balance, i sincerely fail to understand what it means?
do you mean your definition of balance? because that ain't my definition. you can't expect a person whose next meal is assured to take it easy and balance his life. balance. balance. balance. yeah no. i think you should do your thing.
i have consumed a lot of content over the years, most of it non fiction but the most powerful content i have consumed is a book called Alchemist. ever heard of it? haha no obviously you've heard of it.
i think everyone's lesson from the book is the journey is more important than your destination or destiny is inevitable, i'd like to think its "you should do your thing" because he will do his thing and they will do theirs.
to conform to everyone's expectations is to defy yours and if you really ask them, nobody has any expectations of you, not because you are a loser but because dude they are struggling in their lives and remember, you are not the protagonist in everyone's life but you are in yours.
wait
i think i digress. i'm turning 25 in a month. life has taken so many turns, so many ups, a few downs(god pls give me more falls (angry emoji)).
can i tell you a weird thing about myself.
i like it a bit when i fail. like when i really try and fail. like 2 years ago almost when i was trying to make it pro in football and i got injured and i also realised i'm not as skilled as i think. but that ain't the reason why i like falling and failing.
the reason is that i'm delusional and i always imagine myself in a movie and man what an incredible story to fall down so many times and still come up on top? i wouldn't watch a movie whose protagonist was just winning. that would be so boring. i want you to fail. fall down on your face. think that man its difficult. and then get up. get up again. get up again.
i like to think that my life is a documentary and i wanna make a good story. maybe as good as spiderman(not exactly the same cus man MJ forgetting him was painful) or maybe as good as tony stark's real life? a convicted felon to the greatest superhero. idk i'm delusional man and what good does it do to think otherwise.
i think whether or not you are able to achieve things in life, you should think you will do it and you are worthy of them.
ooo
did i just say worthy?
worth is such a complex term. what am i worth? what are you worth? what is your suffering worth? is your dream worth it?
to make sense of worth, i like to go back to a letter i wrote to myself when i was chasing my dream of becoming a footballer and i'll quote it verbatim:
"It will never be a question of whether it is worth it or not. To attach worth to something so out of the world would be childish and as a 22 year old following the only dream of the 9 year old, I wouldn't choose anything else but you. "
to attach worth to something so important would be childish. man i love that i can write things. i used to sleep with a football as a kid even though i used to be a runner back then. some things are just special.
coming back to worth, i think thinking of worth it is a stupid quest for it depends on the result? like if i became a footballer, my 2 surgeries and infinite other injuries are worth it? and if i don't?
"is it worth it?" is a question you and i come across so many times on a crossroad. the secret is that you will never know if it was worth it. whether or not you get the thing you are supposedly sacrificing for. if there is one thing
oh wait i forgot that i was turning 25 in a month.
hmm so if there is one thing i would tell my 18 year old self(man wtf i seem like so old) i'd tell him that whatever you do WHATEVER it all comes back. karma is the greatest tool in the universe. you must use it to your advantage. and how do you do it?
by doing the thing.
by working hard.
by caring immensely.
by doing things so deeply that you are completely present while doing them. i play football like that and i think that's the reason why i love football. no voices in the head. no judgement. no depressing myself about the past. no glazing myself about the future. just the absolute present.
we should all try to strive for being in present and doing things with absolute presence. if you find those things, keep doing them without attaching worth to them for attaching worth to something so important would be childish.
wow what a line. sorry i glaze over myself sometimes.
so what does turning 25 actually feel like? nothing really like i know its supposed to be a huge thing and idk quarter life crisis and bla bla but eh i don't like to believe in such things. maybe my quarter life crisis happens when im 70
oh wait i think i have a great line for this.
if your life is a clock, like your life is one 24 hour clock, when you turn 30, that's when its 7 am.
7 am man so rn its like 5:30. i am probably sleeping. let me chill. let me do my thing. let me fail. let me figure things out. there is no pressure. it ain't even 6 am.
i feel that social media has compressed the timelines so much and it kinda makes me feel bad about myself sometimes(only some, other im glazing over how great i am) like oh look there is a 18 year old millionaire and oh there is a 22 year old billionaire bla bla but its such a one dimensional outlook into someone's life.
like what if they are struggling with their friendships? what if they are struggling to stay content? there is a great book called from barista to billionaire written by andrew wilkinson and i'd like to quote a story from that book
"i met a man with a 250 million dollar house and he invited me over. i went and the house was so lavish, it had practically everything that you think you'd ever want or need and even so many things you won't even want but because they were supposed to be unique, he bought it.
i had lunch w him and hwas feeling a bit down. i asked him if he was okay, he said man my house is sandwiched between these two 400 million dollar houses and i don't get the nice view"
man
can you read that again?
i'm not saying every rich person is the same, remember they are just people but if they are just people all of them have problems and some even more than me and you. its important to not put them and the things they have on a pedestal for whatever is in your destiny + work + intentions would come to you and they would come with their fair share of problems too so don't you worry.
i should get back to the point i was making.
point is, you should make money. play the money game. play the status game, for they are important games and do elevate your quality of life. the joy of giving thigns to people can sadly only be experienced once you have a bit of your own and that's the harsh reality of life.
but don't compare your life to others. comparison is the thief of joy is a cliche for a reason.
just do your thing, life your life, have that pancake, play in the sun, get wet in the rain, make that piece of content you wanted to make, get that job you want, ask out that person you have been meaning to, send that cold email, apply to that dream company, go live in that city you have always wanted to, go do all of these things but remember to remember that you are enough even if you don't get to do that.
yeah. that was the point i was trying to make. goddamn finally.
anyway, i'm turning 25 in a month.